By Miriam Chung
NORTHWEST ASIAN WEEKLY
3D render of a silhouette of father and daughter against a sunset ocean landscape
Father’s Day is often a time of celebration and reflection, a day to honor the dads who shaped our lives in profound ways. For me, it is a poignant reminder of my journey from a picturesque childhood in Kota Kinabalu (KK), Malaysia, to the cultural melting pot of the United States.
Growing up in KK, the capital of Sabah, North Borneo, my childhood was bathed in the natural beauty of tropical Malaysia. From watching the most stunning sunsets from the islands over the South China Sea to many weekends at the majestic Mount Kinabalu, my early years were filled with vibrant colors and rich traditions. My father, a typical Asian patriarch, was a significant figure in my life. His love was expressed through tireless hard work and unwavering standard for academic excellence rather than overt displays of affection. This form of paternal care, deeply rooted in Asian values, ensured that I had an incredible childhood and upbringing, was always provided for, guided towards success and presented with the best opportunities including traveling the world many times over.
Despite the lack of verbal affirmations, my father’s actions spoke volumes. He instilled in me a sense of responsibility, respect, and resilience. Our relationship, though devoid of warm hugs and “I love yous,” was built on a foundation of duty and unspoken love. However, this stoic approach to parenting left its mark. The emotional reserve created a constant yearning for approval and instilled in me a relentless drive to succeed.
In my early 20s, I moved to the United States for college. My father slipped a letter he penned into my hands right before I left, outlining his hopes for me and guidelines on how to protect and conduct myself, as I spread my wings. The transition was bittersweet – terrifying yet exhilarating. I was completely homesick, yet the new environment also immediately felt like home. I plunged head-first into a society that encouraged open emotional expression, individualism, and a different approach to familial relationships. I made it a point to steer clear of the Asian group who clung together for dear life. I was determined to explore new opportunities and immerse myself in this more expressive and individualistic American way of life.
Miriam Chung with her father, shortly after she attained her pilot’s license. “He gave me wings to fly,” she said of her father, who is also a private pilot. (Photo provided by Miriam Chung)
It felt amazing to be in a society that encouraged open expression. Conversations about feelings and generational divide were not only accepted but actively promoted. This stark contrast to my upbringing presented an opportunity for introspection. For the first time, I began to understand how the emotional patterns in my family had affected my outlook.
In recent years, conversations with peers with similar backgrounds provided a sense of solidarity and understanding. We shared our stories of familial expectations and the quest for self-rediscovery. These dialogues were enlightening, revealing that our struggles were part of a broader narrative of cultural transition and generational shifts.
The realization that my father’s emotional reserve was not at all a personal failing, but a product of his own upbringing and societal norms, was a pivotal moment. It allowed me to view him with a newfound understanding. I began to recognize that his stern exterior masked his own struggles and unexpressed love. This understanding opened a path towards bridging the emotional gap and helped redefine my relationship with my father. Simple gestures like sharing my experiences and emotions openly, and encouraging him to do the same, started to soften the rough edges of our interactions. I realized that while I could not change the past, I could influence the present and future by fostering a dialogue of emotional openness.
Living in the United States has given me the tools to navigate and address the emotional divide that shaped my upbringing. By acknowledging and confronting the emotional legacies passed down to me, I am forging a new path, one that honors my heritage while embracing the empowerment of open expression. Through this journey, I hope to bridge the generational gap and create a legacy of emotional strength and understanding for future generations.
This Father’s Day, I celebrate and honor the strength and sacrifices of my father, and I also celebrate the journey we have both undertaken. It is a reminder of the love that was always present, albeit rarely spoken, will transcend all that divides.