By Stacy Nguyen
Northwest Asian Weekly
This month, we learn that it’s pretty difficult being a really smart man who has a lot of answers—but no one will listen to all the smart things you are saying! WTF!
The South Korean government is kind of like your Asian mom
Women in South Korea are increasingly saying no thanks to marriage and babies — and as a consequence, the birth rate has dropped and more people are dying than being born. Reasons for this trend include women just being real fed up with patriarchy and being treated like child-bearing objects versus fully autonomous humans. The women of this movement call themselves “bi-hon.”
The South Korean government, which I’m pretty sure is mostly run by a bunch of old dudes (I didn’t look that up. I’m just guessing. Am I right? Am I right? Am I right!), is very vexed by this low birth rate problem. They are hysterical and are using this really alarming statistic:
If the birth rate doesn’t increase, Koreans will be extinct by the year 2750!
So instead of like, focusing on silly stuff like climate change, these leaders have put their collective brains together and came up with like, the best solution to this birth rate problem:
Organize a lot of singles meet-ups so that these sad spinsters can finally find the husband of their dreams. Obviously the issue here is that these women keep getting confused about where their priorities should be, they keep wasting their time trying to get promotions at work instead of like, trying to land a man who will force them to quit their jobs and stay at home with a baby as the entire world passes them by.
(Spoiler: These meet-ups are not really going great.)
Dalai Lama doesn’t want to be reincarnated as an ugly woman
During an interview with BBC a month or so ago, the Dalai Lama said that if he were to be reincarnated as a woman, she better be a pretty one because no one wants to look at uggos.
It’s hard to tell what he actually believes from the interview, because to me, it feels like he was just being casually sexist because he thinks it’s hilarious, which, you know, makes sense to me.
So, following his controversial statements, his smart team did a lot of backtracking, starting with a classic— the non-apology apology:
“His Holiness genuinely meant no offence,” his statement said. “He is deeply sorry that people have been hurt by what he said and offers his sincere apologies.”
#staywoke, your holiness.
Asian food people are taking over Hulu
The Hollywood Reporter reported that “Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi, chef David Chang, and model Chrissy Teigen are all getting food-based reality shows on Hulu. What the Hollywood Reporter totally neglected to point out is that all of these people are freaking Asian, probably because they are afraid of being called racist for doing so! #colorblindness
I’m not afraid though. I’m trying to be brave, so that’s why I’m telling you guys all about it.
Padma is Indian American. David Chang is Korean American. And Chrissy Teigen is Thai American.
Dude, remember back when Martin Yan and Ming Tsai were all we had? Now, look at this embarrassment of riches!
Maddox Jolie Pitt is going to college!
I’m only excited about this because it’s so easy for this guy to just be a social media influencer before he wildly spirals and checks himself into rehab — but Maddox Jolie Pitt refuses to coast on his parents’ fame! He refuses to be under-educated and idly rich! Respect!
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s eldest son, who was adopted from Cambodia, will be studying biochemistry at Yonsei University in Korea this fall. What a smartie.
Is Steve Aoki getting any sleep?
The title of this section is a reference to a 2016 documentary about Steve Aoki, a Japanese American DJ and son of Benihana founder Rocky Aoki. From the documentary, “I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead,” I learned that I’m really lazy and also that Steve had a really complicated relationship with his dad that was never really resolved before his dad died.
Also from the doc, you learn that Steve is basically a robot who never stops working.
Steve earned $30 million last year, according to Forbes, making him the fourth highest paid DJ in the world.
Quentin Tarantino still likes to talk out of his butt
Quentin Tarantino, white male maker of ultra-violent movies that fetishizes and sensationalizes trauma, often experienced by people of color and women (“Inglourious Basterds,” “Django Unchained,” “Kill Bill,” “Jackie Brown”), has a new movie out.
“Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” is an ensemble film about the end of Hollywood’s golden age starring a bunch of famous white people. And Emile Hirsch.
A fictionalized version of Bruce Lee appears in the film—the character is arrogant and self-aggrandizing—a portrayal that Lee’s daughter, Shannon Lee, took offense to. Not only that, Bruce Lee in the film gets into a fight with Brad Pitt’s character and totally loses, which actually reinforces what I’ve been saying for the past few years: Martial arts is definitely a white male-dominated sport and it’s unfair—the level of natural talent they bring to it!
So, shockingly, Tarantino couldn’t handle the criticism gracefully. He just doubled-downed.
“Bruce Lee was kind of an arrogant guy,” Tarantino was quoted as saying, talking like he knew Bruce personally, LOL.
“The way he was talking, I didn’t just make a lot of that up,” Tarantino said, before giving absolutely no citations for this hearsay. “I heard him say things like that to that effect.”
Guys, remember that in 2012, with “Django Unchained,” Tarantino heroically told us what Black men needed. (Yes! They needed him!)
“The reason that made me put pen to paper was to give Black American males a western hero,” he said in a crazy interview at the time. “Giving them a cool folkloric hero that could actually be empowering …”
Simu Liu is not too ugly to play Shang-Chi, yet cannot handle one day of being objectified like a woman
Actor Simu Liu was cast in Marvel’s upcoming Shang-Chi movie. In response, the Asian Boss video channel went on the street and asked a bunch of Chinese people if Liu is hot or not. Asian Boss is on YouTube and brings youth-oriented, on-the-ground perspectives on news, social issues, and cultural trends in Asia. It did this particular video on Liu’s hotness because that hotness has apparently been debated on Chinese social media. I’m not surprised. Chinese social media can be quite savage. Not civilized like American social media.
So, this Asian Boss video doesn’t really come across as mean-spirited. It’s just light, fun fare.
Most of the women questioned said Liu is attractive. Some said he wasn’t their type. Some said he looked very American-born and wasn’t Chinese-hot enough, which I found hilarious in its bald truthfulness.
Well, Liu saw this video and rather than laugh it off as light, cheeky fare that increases his exposure, he acted butt-hurt instead and used a really lengthy Facebook post to talk about his belief in himself, his perseverance, and also to lecture Asian Boss on “journalistic and creative integrity.”
I’m not saying he shouldn’t feel his feelings—but do you see Brad Pitt going on Facebook to lecture the world about his martial arts prowess and how people should give him a break because he’s worked so hard to break into the business, EF U, haters!
No, Brad Pitt has not done that.
Also, what Liu dealt with is stuff that women deal with on a daily basis. Do you see me going on Facebook to talk about how none of my teachers and casting directors believed in me, but I told them EF U and I just believed in myself—and here I am now, starring in a huge freaking Marvel film—I’m about to be a gazillionaire, y’all—don’t you dare discuss my hotness! I’m a thespian! You should cover real news! Because people really love hard-hitting news that makes them feel uncomfortable inside!
Stacy can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.