By Wayne Chan
NORTHWEST ASIAN WEEKLY
It’s not easy being insanely, crazy, filthy rich, but somehow, some way, I’ll manage.
They drew the numbers for the Mega Millions lottery last month. Since no one has won in months, the jackpot was worth over $1 billion.
It just so happens, that in all those months of no one winning, I didn’t even bother playing. When the jackpot was over a billion dollars, I figured, sure, why not? I’m in for $20.
I’ve read that the odds of winning that particular lottery was well over 300 million to one. But since I didn’t even bother to play any of the other drawings, my chances were really more like a trillion to one. Now that I’ve invested (yes, I used the word “invested”) my hard earned $20, I figure my chances were…300 million divided by 20, carry the four…maybe 50/50.
By the time you read this, I will be spending all my money. But, it’s not all fun and games. I have responsibilities to take care of.
First, we have kids. I need to make sure I take care of them. $1 million. That should do it. Now, on to the $999,899,000 I have left.
Next — our home. We live in a nice home in the suburbs with terrific neighbors. The only problem? That mortgage. I’ll have to pay a monthly mortgage until the year 2058 before this house is completely ours. But now, with my newly acquired tycoon status, I can pay off the whole mortgage and do a few renovations to boot. I always get a sore back after playing tennis every week. How did I ever manage without having a built-in sauna room in my house? What am I, a barbarian?
And then there’s our pool. Nothing really wrong with the pool, but how on earth could I have ever survived having a pool without a swim up bar where I can play poker while sitting in the pool? It doesn’t really matter that I don’t drink or really ever gamble. I need the bar to make room for the automatic French fry dispensing machine.
Let’s not forget about the car. I usually drive a 2007 Ram truck. That has to go. Let’s go with the stretch SUV-limo with the built-in pinball machine. And while we’re at it, let’s include the automatic French fry dispensing machine option as well.
As a matter of fact, let’s just simplify things. For anything else on my tycoon wish list, just add the words, “include the French fry option.” I’ll know what it means.
But alas, someone else had the winning ticket.
And I thought to myself, what will I regret not having?
Actually, not all that much. I can’t imagine having a more perfect partner in my wife, regardless of how much money I have. Same goes for my son, who seems to be really making his way in college. Even with my two developmentally disabled kids — even with their challenges, they are healthy, happy, and making their way as well.
I’ve got neighbors who lined up to deliver hand cooked meals when I had a minor operation.
Friends who call just to say hello, and an extended family who make an effort to stay in touch because well, that’s just what families do.
If you think about it that way, I guess it doesn’t really matter what happens. I’ve already hit the jackpot.
Wayne can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.